this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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