you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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