First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
