he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
