Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
porn star boner night. come get it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
