I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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