6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My cat gives me a boner
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
