I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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