So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
