it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
