Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
