i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
