Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Someone stole a lamp last night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
