In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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