I heard we made out
Apparently you make a good broom.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize