He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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