please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
