Im at strip club and am horny
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize