the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
