your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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