Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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