Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
operation harelip BJ is a go
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
