Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize