Cold hands, warm shart.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
