I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
