There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize