Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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