you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
