you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
