apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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