Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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