I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
this is an emotional support booty call
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
