i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
