just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
please come you make the beer taste better
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize