That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
