I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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