1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm jealous of your bromance
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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