im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
