Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
