just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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