What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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