Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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