Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
