forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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