dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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