Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
