If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
