i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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