so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My feet surprised me
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