I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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