oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
