mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
