The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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