After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize