Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
