sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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