my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize