I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize